A Testament...To My Balls.

A Few Testimonials...

"His Cuddliness Is Real" - Doesn't Mince Words But Knows Cuddly

"When My Husband And I Had Our First Baby, I Though I Had Felt The Most Cuddly Bundle Of Joy In The World. Then, One Day, I Got To Meet CP. Shook His Hand And Gave Him A Hug. Oh My!!!! I've Never Felt Anything So Cuddly!!! Throw Out The Baby With The Bath Water, CP Is The Cuddliest Ever!!!" - Needs More Cuddly

"I'm Not A Big Fan Of Cuddly. Sure, I've Heard Of How Cuddly CP Is, But Was Never Really Interested In Finding Out Because I Hated Cuddly Things. Then, On A Dare, I Discovered CP's Cuddliness. Now, I Can't Get Enough. I Am Addicted To His Cuddliness." - Cuddly Believer

"I's From The South And We's Aints Into Much Of That There Fancy Book Learnin', And We's May Not Be A Smart's People, But's We's Don't Need's To Be To Know's What Cuddly Is And That That Thur CP Is The Dang Cuddliest, Y'all" - Yee Haw Cuddly

"I've Felt Cuddly Before, Lemme Tell Ya. But After Feeling CP's Cuddliness, I Am Spoiled For All Other Things Cuddly Ever Again. I'm Going To Abandon All My Stuffed Animals And Toss My Dog Out Into The Street. They Just Can't Compete." - Loves Cuddly.

Hence Forth, Prior To, Fort Night, I Was Relaxing In My Easy Chair Contemplating CP's Cuddliness. My Formal Education From Oxford Has Served Me Well In The Past, But Has Proven Useless When Trying To Assess Just How And Why CP Is So Cuddly. Cheerio!!!! I Suppose Some Things Are Just Not Meant To Be Explained By A Mere Mortal. CP Is The Universal Ruler. - Cuddliness, Tea, And Crumpets

"We've Flown The Moon, Cured Once Incurable Diseases, And Are This Close To Making The Genetic Code Our Bitch...In All My Years In The Scientific Community, We've Never Come Across Anything Like This, But We Are Still Stumped By CP's Cuddliness. He May Very Well Be God". - PHD In Awe Of Cuddly.

"At First, I Thought This Cuddliness Stuff Was A Croc Of Bull. But Then I Felt CP, And You Know What? His IS That Cuddly. Maybe Even Cuddlier!!! I Will Never Let My Preconceptions Cloud My Judgement Again. Thank's CP. You're The Greatest...And The Cuddliest!!!!!" - Anonymous.

My...I Am Flattered.

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A Moment...With My Balls. Boo!

Sometimes, I Like To Go To The Library Just To See All Of The People I Am More Famous Than...And Those Are Only The Bastards On The Shelves, Forget About The Other MuthaFuxers In There.

This Has Been A Moment With My Balls. Boo!


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Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Deeez Balls You Want To....Well

You Know What 1 Of The Things I Love To Do Is? I Love To Flip My Hair Behind My Ear. Like A Girl (No Homo). Not In A Faggy Way. Seriously, I Really Like To And If You've Never Done It, You Don't Know What You're Missing. Whether I Actually Like To Do It In And Of Itself, Or If I Just Like It Because It Pisses People Off Is Open For Debate On Your End, But I Do Enjoy It. Too Bad For All You Cue Balls Out There Who Can't. Must Make Ya Jealous. I Also Like To Get My Hair Long Enough, Not Just In The Back Because That Would Be A Mullet, (Which Would Look Smashing On Me Anyways) So That When I Wear A Ball Cap I Can Fan It All Out In Back Like I'm On A Motorcycle Doing About 103 mph (You Know, Slightly Less Than I Throw). I Just Think That Is Fab.

If Some Day My Hair Should Fall Out On The Top And I Only Have It On The Sides, I Am Going To Grow That Hair Long, Maybe Even Just On 1 Side (Ohhh Trend Setter), Just So That I Can Take My Index Finger, Touch It To My Temple, Move It Backward Oh So Slowly Making Sure To Collect Each And Every Strand On That Dermis, Then, In A "C" Motion, Ever So Gently Whisp It Behind My Ear.

Ohhhh I May Never Cut It Short Again.

Hey, Are Those Cantaloupes In My Pocket...Nah, Them's Just Me Balls.

So, I Was Thinking. I Was Thinking A Lot About "College Tour 2004". That Was Fun. Now, I Know A Lot Of You Think That This Is Some Kind Of Tour. But, It's Not. I Mean There Have Been Elements Of A Tour; The Staying In Hotels, Fast Food, Late Nights, Screaming Fans, Pissed Off Locals, People Not Believing That I Actually Am Who I Say I Am Because They Don't Believe A Star Like Me Would Be Around Them, And Even, On Occasion, Sleeping In The Car While Your Credit Card Is Forwarded To You Because People Don't Seem To Take Cash Anymore. But, It's Not Really A Tour. But I Am Thinking More About "College Tour 2004". I Think I May Tour Again.


I've Also Been Thinking About Those Retired Jerseys. I Think I've Come Up With A Way That Will Pacify Everyone. Along With The Syringe In The Shoulder, Or The Ass, Should You Decide Some Day To Retire Pants, You Should Frame The Jersey With An Ensemble Of Bright Lights. Now, Don't Worry About The Cost, That Can Be Sponsored By A Local Pharmacy. And Under The Jersey; A Plaque With The Simple Inscription: "This Retired Jersey, And The Lighting Around It, Is Sponsored By Performance Enhancing Drugs. Because Without P.E.D's, Your "Local Hero's" Would Only Be Local."

I Truly Am An Artist At Everything I Do.

Was That Lightning? ... Ohhhhh It Was Just My Balls

Once upon a time, not too long ago, a bolt of lightening streaked from the sky and struck the ground a mere 5 feet from me. It happened as I had finished training and was packing up my stuff and putting up the top on the vehicle I had at the time. Now, most people would have been frightened or surprised by this, but not me. As I stood there, gazing at the charred blackness that once had been green, fertile, grass and the smoke that arose from it's destruction, I knew what the lightening was after. For others, a strike of lightening from the sky would have been a terrifying event, but for me, I knew what that lightening was after. It wanted my attention. And the only thing that surprised me was that the bolt didn't stroll itself into a building and write some fiction about me on a piece of paper to try to get it.

This memory was brought to you by the go f*ck yourselves!!!! committee. Because f*cking themselves is pretty much the only type of f*cking they'll ever know.

Blab, And Balb, And Blab, But...My Balls Hear NOTHING.

This is a public service message for those who seek fame, and glory, and attention, but will never amount to anything. In other words, the "all of you's" of the world. Help prevent the misdiagnosis of mental illness of others by those who are truely mentally ill themselves...

A Poem:

(AHEM, AHEM)

When I Go Out Onto The Field,
Of Green Grass And Blue Sky,
And I Throw And Hit The Ball,
Until Most People Would DIE,

If The Grass Is Not Cut,
If It's All Crabby Through And Through,
It May Seem Odd To you,
The Things That I Do,

When People Stare At Me,
When Instead What They Should Have Done Is Tap,
In All Honesty,
I Don't Give A Crap,
I Walk Up And Down,
Backward And Forward,
Diagonal And Vertical,
Horizontal And So Forth,

But To Make It All Clear,
So That Even You Can Understand,
I Will Do All, That One Possibly Can,
And Explain It To All,
As I Stand Tall, Never To Fall, My Name You Will Call, As You Scream Down The Hall, Or Though A Crowded Mall, Or Trying To See Yourselves While Staring At A Wall...With your Brains That Are Oh So Small...
What I Am Really Doing Is Looking...For The MuthaPhuckin' Ball.

(AHEM, AHEM)

This Has Been A Public Service Announcement. Get yourselves Some F*cking Help. (And A Life) Cut The F*cking Grass.

They're Juicin'!!!!.....But Not My Balls.

I think every team in the big leagues should anoint one number as the "juicer number". A number dedicated to acknowledging and reminding everyone of the juicers past and present. And they should have that number worn by one person on the team who most exemplifies being a juicer. Nice to see some teams have already done so. And remember, it is perfectly commendable by those of you who are ticket buyers (it won't be me, I perform, cleanly and spectacularly) to sit in those stands and chant STEEERROOOIIIIDS, STEEEEERRROOOOIDS, STEEEERROOIIIDSS.

That is my "making the world a better place" moment of the day.

I have NEVER juiced. The only juice I have ever ingested is cow juice. Milk. For those of you with understanding difficulties (the retarded). And I drank it straight from the TEET! (No Homo).

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There's No Place...Like My Balls.

I've got a better idea, Instead of snapping your fingers and thinking it's going to bring me back (get yourselves some medication, you have no power over me) why don't you try clicking your heels together. It will have the same result. NOTHING for you!

As an aside, Instead of walking around with your arms folded like you're in a straight jacket, I was thinking about wrapping you up like a mummy and and placing one right between your eyes just to make sure you don't f*ck with me or anyone else ever again...When I stand with my arms folded, that's my "go f*ck yourselves, I am a bad MF'er stance" when you do it, it just makes you mentally ill.


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These Balls Aren't Average. These Balls Are GREAT.

Some people (and I use that term loosely) are upset and jealous because they say I get lots of attention and fame for "doing things everybody else does", which is a complete and utter lie. Nobody can do the things I do, and there is nothing ordinary about the things I do unless you mistakingly left out the extra for the extraordinary things I do that can not be replicated. I don't get a hint of the attention I should get because all of you jealous and useless, frats, politicians, and robewearers, try to keep my fame down because it's the only chance you have at feeling important in your lives, even if its only in your own deranged minds when everyone else knows the truth. In fact, you can trace back all of the things that have happened to me and solely use this reason for why they have happened, even though we all know it runs deeper than this.

So, for all of you who feel this way, I'll tell you what:

As soon as lying, cheating, stealing, corruption, blackmail, and writing things fictitiously on a piece of paper become feats of extra ordinary ability, I'll be the first one to....no, hold on .... I still won't give a sh*t. (and neither will anyone else.)

OPEN WIDE...AND SUCK MY BALLS

Hey, remember to make an adjustment to those retired jerseys. Make sure to stick a syringe in the shoulder so that it is an accurate reflection for posterities sake. Too bad you don't retire pants, then you could stick the needle right where it belongs, but I guess you've already got something stuck in your ass, my C P-Ness.

they fight for the $green$, they want the gold,

little boys of takin'-it-up-the-ass-draaaaa-kin.

Fight for the wrong, fight for the old,

alma mater ever screwed.

Soar through the sky, why? cause they're all high,

tried to screw a SuperStar Dude...

So now your ... F*cked!!! ... F*cked!!! ... F*cked!!! ... for all your lives, little fags of takin'-it-up-the-ass-draaaa-kin!!

hey no-maaaaah, you gonna tell them you were getting your junk from steroid boy or should I?...opps, guess I just did.

How much do you think you know...well even my ball sack is smarter than you.

How many of you know just what they f*ck they are talking about? Seriously? When they try to slant and distort the truth, do you ever stop and think about what they say or do you just accept it? I know for a fact that you just accept it. So I'll explain it to you.There is no disease called "Steroid Ittis" What do I mean by this? I mean that there is no disease that anyone gets from the direct use of steroids that is defined by the use of steroids. Therefore, someone can be tested for steroids and it can be proven that they are on them if it is in his or her system, however, someone who has used steroids may not test positive for steroids if it is not in their system, but they still could still have used them. So, what do I mean by this? What I mean is that when someone uses steroids, they dont die or get sick from the "steroid disease". There is no such sickness. What people who use steroids get sick and/or die from are disease that the steroids trigger or speeds up in that persons body. For example, someone on steroids does not get sick from "steroid ittis" he gets sick from the cancer that the steroid abuse triggers and causes. Someone on steroids does not get sick or die from "Steroid Ittis" they get sick from the heart disease that the steroids cause. Someone on steroids does not get "steroid Ittis", they have ligaments and tendons that snap off of bones and muscles like violin strings because of the damage the steroids cause. Someone on, or having been on, steroids, does not get "Steroid Ittis" they get sick from the disease that makes a 20 year old body act like an 80 year old body. So, don't let manipulative crap pull the wool over your eyes. They know exactly what causes these things to happen and unless they want to make an example out of someone, or a scapegoat, they don't give you the true story. I give it to you. Want to be clean? Be like CP.

I want to add something to the previous post. In addition to everything I said, I want to add that upon graduation from sed S*ck F*ck Universities, where they have had the honor of learning from some of the more diseased and twisted minds on the planet in subjects such as, lying, slander, defamamtion, contorting the truth, being a weasel, and formulating ways to break each and every law of this country to serve their own self interests, there should be a procession of buses parked outside the ceremony (make it the short, yellow, ones. Those would be most appropriate.) to parade each of it's graduates directly to prison because it's just a matter of time anyways.

My Balls Are Educated...By Me; I Filter All Of The Other BullSh*t I Hear.

As a new year turns, and a lot of you are on vacation from your educational endeavors, It's a good time to think about where you are and what you're doing there. I am saying this because I have finally come to the conclusion that there are some educational pursuits that are not worth the paper they are printed on. This may be shocking to some of you, as I have always been a large proponent of education, but it's what you're learning, and where you're learning it, that may be wasting your time. For example, I have come across some of the f*cking dumbest people, who have supposedly graduated from some of the more prestigious schools, specifically law schools, that should have taken the time they spent in school, to deep fry, salt, and serve french fries, at the local fast food establishment, instead of wasting their time, and more importantly, the time and lives of the people who they can only f*ck up the lives of, through their own stupidity (incidently, complete assh*les, who didn't get into real schools, so they carry this grudge that influnces their corruption). So, if you are a student at one of these schools, one of these S*ck F*ck Universities, that has done nothing but propagate deceit, deception, encourage crime, and establish ways to commit it under the guise of justice, reconsider just what it is that you are learning and where you are learing it, because I like my fires extra crispy and what you will learn at these schools will just about provide you the ability to do that, and provide you with some busy work to keep your diseased minds occupied from trying to f*ck up innocent peoples lives because you weren't a GREAT as him.